Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Shower Me With Your Love...

Don’t show loyalty to people who don’t mean you any good. Don’t try to buy people’s loyalty because it won’t hold. Showering an undeserving or racist coworker or manager with attention and praise won’t get you any respect…and it won’t stop any mistreatment or illegal abuse.

In fact, it will get do the opposite.

No one respects a butt-kisser, even those whose butts are being kissed.

So, instead of getting your abuser to stop their behavior, you are encouraging them to continue to mistreat you because you are agreeing to be a victim. Instead of aligning yourself with those that don’t deserve your energy or attention and who don't deserve to be showered with your love, you should focus on forming positive alliances and friendships.

Those will be the individuals worthy of your respect and loyalty. These are also the people who are more likely to champion your causes. And, they are also more likely to provide some sort of assistance in dealing with an abusive coworker or supervisor.

You can't get your harasser to stop abusing you simply by being nice, buying their lunch, showering them with praise and compliments, etc. They will dislike you even more--even if they appear to accept your behavior. They will enjoy watching your displays of weakness and your lack of self-respect.

I had a White coworker try to buy off a White manager (who was being condescending, complaining about the quality of her work, bad mouthing her to coworkers, etc.) by house-sitting for her, when the manager traveled for work, feeding her cat, picking up her dry cleaning, and doing other domestic work.

At one point, the two women were friendly and even went to lunch together. But, something changed. The subordinate decided that she could win over the manager with kindness and even told me that this was her strategy. "I'm going to make her like me." That's what she said.

Long story short, the manager fired the subordinate within 6 months of her behaving like the manager's maid. Now, this was two White women. So, this had nothing to do with race. But, the point is still the same. The subordinate could not buy or earn the affections of a manager who disliked her and who was determined to be abusive.

All the energy used to kiss someone's butt, who may be violating federal statutes against harassment and/or discrimination, could be put to better use.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a brilliant article. Sad but true that some people can't get a backbone to stand up to bullies. Instead they appease the. perpetrators. This is sickening but quite common

6:37 AM  
Blogger S. Mary Wills said...

I think some people are programmed to try to sweet talk and kiss up to their bullies. It's something they learn or use as a survivial skill when they are young and they just keep on going with it. It takes such a lack of self-worth to behave that way with a person who is being abusive.

8:37 AM  

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